


Harry Potter and the Metamagic

by weird20



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Crack, F/F, F/M, Gen, Parody, Sex While Using Polyjuice Potion, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:48:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28033431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weird20/pseuds/weird20
Summary: A crack/parody meta-fanfiction, with timetravel, polyjuice-enhanced polyamorous relationships, exotic Middle-eastern Mullahs, and other fresh goodies. No real bashing (some parody bashing included), and currently no lemons planned.
Kudos: 2





	Harry Potter and the Metamagic

AN: This is my first fanfiction. English is also not my native tongue. Nobody has yet beta'ed this, either. (If someone wants to beta, DM me!) So please be patient with me, and try giving me some constructive feedback.

***

"Ok, Harry, now that you have finally killed Voldemort, it's time we timetravel.", said Hermione.

Harry was astounded; "I haven't grieved yet. I'm actually pretty happy now that the old bugger is dead."

"But I have run out of patience and can't wait any longer to get rid of my period cramps. Besides, we will be rich just by buying the right stocks."

"Actually, you could get rich just by scrying the stock market. How do you think vampires pay for their Blood Kool-aids?"

"Then how come there are so many poor wizards around? Like Ron, Remus, and ..."

"And? Do you actually know any more poor wizards?"

Hermione narrowed her eyes and thought some. She did this in a cute way.

"Hey, do you think you're the ship?"

Hermione gasped; "I am a lesbian, you know!"

"You know that everyone is heteroflexible in fanfiction. Emphasis on *flexible*.", shrugged Harry. "I do have some polyjuice potion with me. If I buy one of those The Fairy Fappy Hairy Packs, the bedroom part will check out just fine then."

Harry liked his solution. It's not like he cared about how *he* looked, after all.

"That's fine with me."

"Who should we get for the timetravel? How many can we take?"

"We're using the Author Authorized Temporal Car this time, and the car is rather small. Since it'll take about ten hours there, I need the whole backseat to myself so I can lie down. You need to drive the thing, but we can fit two people on the other front seat. Another person can lie on the floor of the car, I guess."

"Three, huh? We need not bother with Luna; She'll be more refreshing if she is innocent. She'll consent to a threesome without knowing us anyway. Ron is a bit of a wild mark; We don't know yet if this is one of those Weasley bashing fics or not."

Hermione grinned, clearly very pleased with herself. "On that front; I have just discovered this spell, called Ronnibadius, which will summon Trelawney and forces her to make a prophecy regarding Ron Weasley."

Harry was gobsmacked; "How did you manage that?"

Hermione pinked a little; "The author just put it in my head. Right through my Occlumency shields."

Harry nodded in understanding. Occlumency didn't really help with metamagic. He gestured for Hermione to cast the spell. She twirled her wand, and said with some trepidation, "Ronnibadius!"

There was a sharp crack, and Trelawney appeared before them. She was "smoking" some kind of magical cigar, which produced randomly colored water instead of smoke. The water still went up though.

"*As the story progresses, Ronald Bilius Weasley will be shown to have a dynamic character that saddens some and makes others gay. He will play an important role in the plot, and heavy burdens will be placed on his shoulders. As the climax approaches, his secrets will one by one be revealed ...*", Trelawney said in her prophecy voice. There was another crack, and she disappeared. The weird water blobs shook for a second, then fell down. Flowers started blooming where they had hit the ground. Colorful flowers, and they had grown fast, but otherwise normal enough. Harry cut some of them, and put them in his hair. This surprised Hermione; "Harry?"

"This is quite original, no? Which was the last fic I had flowers in my trademark Potter hair? The hair holds them pretty well, who would have thought ..."

Hermione shook her head. The metamagic was stupid at times. For example, she was now feeling rather horny. Needless to say, this was not the part of the narrative that needed a lemon.

"Care for a lemon drop?", asked Dumbledore's ghost. Harry and Hermione gaped.

"I don't remember seeing your ghost, Professor. You already have a portrait, so your ghost is not really needed in the narrative. Besides, how come we haven't met your ghost in these past hard, dark years? You could have helped us some, you know.", Harry intoned.

"My dear boy, haven't you heard? I am a very manipulative man. My portrait couldn't compete fairly with me, so it fed me some bullshit on how I needed to save the element of surprise for the final battle where you and Voldemort finally face off in Hogwarts, and I rush in and distract Voldemort enough for you to finish him off.", said Dumbledore in a sage voice.

"So why didn't you actually come?", asked Hermione with a skeptical tone.

"Just when I was heading out, that old goat of a portrait told me that Voldemort knew exorcising charms. I needed to check some books from the library to know what those charms do.", said Dumbledore without a twinkle in his eyes, as ghosts couldn't do that.

"So what could those charms do?", asked Hermione, clearly curious.

"I caught on to the old goat's manipulations halfway through and came back with haste.", nodded Dumbledore sagely. He then took a lemon drop from a pouch he still had with him in death, and sucked on it. There was silence for some time, as the metamagic had erected some silencing wards around them. it wouldn't do for the noises of the after-battle to taint the narrative, after all. Dumbledore finished his candy, and said, "I suggest we take Mister Malfoy. Not only can he help steer his peers to the Greater Good, Dramione fics top the popularity charts."

Hermione made a rude hand gesture. Harry exhaled, "Hermione and I have already decided. This is going to be a polyjuiced!Harry-has-a-harem fic."

Dumbledore looked grandfatherly at them; "Oh my dear children! Draco is already used to polyjuicing as Miss Greengrass and having Mister Crabbe and Mister Goyle fuck him hard. Selling this footage is what finally made him independent of his father's money."

Harry adjusted his glasses, classic anime MC-style; "I'm afraid, Professor, that this is also a jealous!Harry fic. With a lot of Malfoy bashing."

Dumbledore managed to make his eyes twinkle using metamagic; "My boy, even you will be given a second chance to overcome your petty jealousy, and learn to serve the Greater Good with no qualms."

Hermione nodded sagely; "He's right, Harry. It's so sexist to have you be the only boy in our female-only harem. It just wouldn't do."

"What about Ron? the prophecy didn't bash him, right?", Harry protested.

Dumbledore looked pained; "Now, Harry, I'm afraid that we don't have the capacity for him. I have already prepared an OC just for this timetravel, named Severus Snape, that can help us channel the metamagic in our quest for the Greater Good."

Harry was irritated; "How is bloody Snape an Original Character? Besides, he is dead as a Galleon!"

"Obviously, by turning into a ghost, Potter.", drawled Snape with his usual disdain, though a bit colder because he was now a ghost.

Hermione shivered; "We can't let Snape into the harem! This is a conspiracy!"

Harry looked at Snape suspiciously. Why hadn't it occurred to him before? Snape was a dark, brooding Hogwarts professor who had teenage girls regularly serve detentions with him. He had a ready supply of the polyjuice potion. The only thing that he lacked was Lily Potter's hair. Harry snapped, "How did you your slimy, greasy hands on my mother's hair?"

Snape smiled a sick, twisted little smile, "I was a half-blood, Potter, not an airheaded muggleborn. I learned the spell that snatches people's hair when I was ten. I have Lily's hair for quite some age range."

Harry was furious. He started punching Snape. Harry didn't know any exorcising charms. Dumbledore noted this. "He's obviously not a super!Harry", he said with longing.

"It's still early in the fic. He might be a late-bloomer.", Hermione rebutted reluctantly.

"Training fics are the worst. I hope it's not one of those.", Ron said and rolled his eyes. Everyone turned to him and gaped. "What's with you guys?", asked Ron.

Dumbledore said, "Mister Weasley! Do you remember how manipulative I am? I am imploring you not to go check my office right now. My portrait is not persuading your sister to masturbate in front of all the headmasters. Not at all. Nothing to worry about!"

Ron was a bit dense in this fic. He shrugged, "That's alright. You're the leader of the light, you do everything for the Greater Good. Besides, I just saw Ginny. She was pissing on your portrait. Your portrait had his mouth open at just the right position, too."

Harry stopped punching ineffectually, and said, "The truth is that we are going to timetravel in a small car and Dumbledore prioritizes Snape over you."

Ron shook his head; "That's funny, professor. I'm sure a ghost can just overlap with me. Ghosts don't really fill up capacity."

Snape drawled, "Most sane people would find that extremely uncomfortable, Mister Weasley."

"I'm dense in this fic, I can tolerate some greasy cold shit on me for this very important timetravel.", said Ron.

The car appeared then. Dumbledore shouted something about hurrying in, and jump-floated to the car. Hermione accioed Malfoy, but got Narcissa instead. It was too late to summon Draco Malfoy, so Hermione just dropped Narcissa and she hit her head on the stone floor. Harry accioed Cho Chang, and Ron surprised them all with an exorcist spell that banished Snape. The car took off, and they were in a colorful spiral.


End file.
